As I mentioned in my last post, As You Are #1 is done! First, I would like to say that if you don’t know what a zine is, it’s basically a self-published magazine that anyone can make about anything.

As You Are is the first zine I’ve done since 2010, which is crazy. I basically went an entire year without publishing a zine. I did actually work on a few throughout 2011, but I kept disliking the content and ended up never finishing them. THis zine however, I am very happy about, and I really feel like it’s something I need to do. Rather than just talking about my life, I am also incorporating (hopefully) inspirational and motivating pieces. I have learned a lot this past year, and I really want to share it with others. I literally can never think the same way again. I will never be able to get to the point of being so unhappy that I want to die. I know better now, and I really want to try to help others who are going through similar things that I did. Along with my last post, I have been thinking about making it a blog and podcast, but I’m still unsure. On one hand I want it to be something bigger than just a zine and I want people to get involved. But on the other hand, I want to be humble about it, and just keep it as my zine. Anyway, here is the little description for As You Are #1:

Part perzine, mostly inspirational zine, As You Are is my attempt to spread even just a seed of happiness to the world. Through it, I hope to help motivate, and remind people that they are not alone. Everything I write comes from experience, and what I have learned so far in my life.

Issue one contains some writing about happiness, waiting for the future, and how amazing we are. Also a few (probably lame) poems, and a fictional story I wrote. Some of my art is scattered throughout, as well as a contribution from my awesome cousin! There is also a list, a bit about my life up until this point, book and movie recommendations, and a challenge for you!

This zine is 1/2 page size, and 20 pages long. It is in black and white with a color cover.

So yes, you can buy it here, or feel free to ask me about trades. I’m on We Make Zines as well. That is about it. Have a lovely day!

~Chelsea

I have to say, the idea of having a website dedicated to AYA is very intimidating. Beside having to keep it updated and whatnot, I feel like once it is a website, I will have to expand the message. And I want to, of course. However, it is a big responsibility to lead a…movement? I am still very new to all the things I want to write about and share with people, but that doesn’t make me want to not share it. I don’t really care about the popularity  (or non-popularity) aspect of it. I don’t even so much care about making a name for AYA. I just want to spread the message of it. I want to change people’s lives. I want to help people.

The podcast thing sounds like a good idea as well. As opposed to a zine, a podcast can reach so many more people. It would be free, and it would be for everyone, not just zine people. However, the idea of having a podcast is also very daunting. It feels more real, because it would be my actual voice and thoughts and writing, directly out into the world. Then there’s the work part to it. Is my built-in mic good enough? Or should I invest in a real mic? How important is this to get done and put time and money into? It’s not even a matter of, will people read it? For me, it’s more of, am I saying what I’m trying to say in a way people will understand and agree with?

Maybe having a podcast is a long shot. I’m not very internet famous, so who’s to say it would even reach anyone. And who’s to say I am worthy of preaching such things. I just have a good feeling about all of this. As You Are is something more than just me. It’s bigger than what I have to say, or how I say it. It’s bigger than any words or art or notions. It’s a spark to start the fire in people’s lives. It’s a seed to grow a new way of living. It’s bigger than any zine, podcast or website. It’s an attempt to help people reach their true selves. It’s peace.

I decided to start watching entire series of shows on Netflix since the only show I actually remember to watch every week is The Walking Dead, and because it would be cool to watch old shows that people obsess about. So I’m making a list of shows, and I’m gonna start watching them!

• Lost (I started this one today!)
• Skins (UK, duh) (I already started this one. I’m on season two, but I kind of have to be in the mood to watch it.)
• Battlestar Galactica
• Breaking Bad
• The Office
• Star Trek (all of them- assuming I like it)
• The Twilight Zone (started this one a while back.)
• Doctor Who
• Sons of Anarchy
• Parks and Recreation (don’t even know what it’s about)
• 30 Rock (nor this one)
• United States of Tara (started it)

That’s all I got so far, and I don’t even know if and when I’ll actually watch them. Let me know if any of them are crap. Any other one’s I missed or that you recommend!?!?

Maybe I’ll post more later about my progress with some of these shows. Right now I think I’m going to dive into Lost, but I might start some others. Some I feel are more involved and drama-filled than others. Maybe I’ll watch some of the lighter ones in between the bigger ones (if that makes any sense).

But anyway, I am really excited about my zine, and I think I finally have everything for it. I really want to put the majority of it together today! I love zines so much. I’m thinking about if I should do zine reviews…I don’t know. I just really want to make crafts to sell, and work on my zine! I also need to get back to my novel that I haven’t worked on since November. I’m very neglectful.

Anyway, what type of crafts/things would you be interested in buying that I could make? I’m just wondering. Any ideas would be nice. Thanks, and enjoy the Super Bowl!

~Chelsea

Also, if you have any requests of something similar that is in my shop now, or that has sold, or that you just think I could make, please feel free to send me a message on Etsy!

~Chelsea

However, I really have been inspired to make a zine again! I think I went an entire year without making or trading any zines. I want to make something inspirational, and motivating, and that will inspire people to be themselves. The only problem is that I don’t know where to start or what to put in it. I’ve tried writing something, but it’s not any good. I want to include some poems, but mostly I want to fill it with inspirational writing. I’m just so stuck! Also, I don’t even know if there is ink in my scanner! Anyway, yeah, I am going to make a zine, that I will post on my etsy when it’s done. I also want to put some of the friendship bracelets I’ve made on etsy. I need to make some money, and I would really love to be able to sell what I make.

I have also been thinking about making an online doll magazine. My cousin and I are planning to do an online magazine, but meanwhile, I think it would be fun to make one about American Girl Dolls (and possibly other dolls). Also, in case you didn’t know, which if you are reading this you probably didn’t, I collect various types of dolls, the major one being American Girl Dolls. I also have a youtube channel dedicated to them. So I really want to get submissions for that, and start putting it together.

Also, I can’t decide if I should rename my etsy shop. Right now it is called Kawaii Cupcakes, which I like. However, it isn’t very kawaii, nor cupcake..y. I don’t know what I should rename it if I do. Let me know what you think about the name.

Mostly, I just want to be able to focus a bit more and spend less time on the internet. Sorry that this post is all over the place, I just wanted to get out how I am feeling and what I’ve been up to.

I shiver through each hour,

With fingers made of ice,

In the shell of this house,

Walls and windows won’t suffice.

I crawl from room to room,

Skin raw and exposed,

Holding together my own hands,

Of which sit starkly juxtaposed.

I emerge from my nest,

My body burns against cold,

Then return to the heat,

I wish I only could hold.

PS:  I finally feel like I have some things I can put on my Portfolio page.

I came down stairs, and walked my dogs because nobody else will. Since it snowed last night, for the first official time this winter season, my one dog, Charlie, started eating the snow when we were outside. All three of them were not used to the white terrain, and they were annoying and adorable as always.

I came inside and went to the kitchen, got myself some food, and looked out the window. Then suddenly it hit me- a pure and impenetrable joy, from deep inside myself. It needed no reason for being there other than just to be there. It was one of the truest forms of happiness that I have experienced in a while. I’m sure there have been plenty of other times throughout my life, but now I recognized it and was able to understand it better, which compelled me to write about it. Thinking about all the projects I want to do, whether or not I do them, and of the food I was about to eat, I became filled with this joy, contentment, and peace. Something more than just happiness. I was excited for the possibility of what was to come. It was a joy that had no reason for being there, other than to celebrate the fact that I was alive, and that I have to ability to do whatever I want with my day.

So now I sit here eating homemade nachos and leftover birthday cake, and having to shut my dogs up every five minutes. However, despite that, and despite the fact that I don’t know when I’m going back to work, despite every bad thought I can muster in my head, I know what it means to feel true joy. It’s a feeling I can make last, even for just a day, even for just an hour. The only thing I can do, is continue to be grateful for living, and continue to live. If I try hard enough, I keep the good feelings in, and the bad thoughts out.

I hope you all get a chance to experience this and recognize it, or that you already have. I also hope it will be a recurring thing, not just for me, but for everyone.

If you are feeling down today, just remember that you are alive, and that you can change the bad thoughts that go in your head. You can change how you feel about certain situations, and you have to ability to react differently to them. There’s so much power inside you that you don’t even know you have. And you don’t need to seek it, or try to change yourself to find it. It is there simply because you’re alive. That is the only requirement for true joy- being alive.

Have a lovely day.

Like any birthday, it doesn’t feel any different from the day before. And anyway, the reality is that I still am the same person, just a day older than yesterday, and a year older than the last.

Somehow, though, it does feel different when I think about it. Twenty is the age of an adult, of someone who has started to develop an idea of what they would like their life to be. Yet I don’t feel like an adult, and I certainly haven’t figured out what I want my life to be. It’s not the responsibilities that I don’t feel up to speed with, but rather the idea of my future.

When I was younger, I used to count down the years until I was out of school. I remember in elementary school saying to myself on the playground “seven more years”, and in high school “only four more years.” A seed is planted very early on in a child’s life about the guidelines of how a person’s life goes. You go to school, go to college, get married, have kids, have a career and die. I don’t ever remember a time when I was younger that I thought of any other way to do it. I used to think about when I turn twenty. I imagined I would probably be in college, and moved out of my parent’s house and have a job and a boyfriend, and all that. I told myself in a non-blatant way, that I would be cooler, and better when I was twenty. I would know what I want to do, and have the guts to do it.

I imagined myself as someone else. Or rather, I imagined the pure soul of myself. I imagined myself with all the confidence I didn’t have at the time. I imagined my true, uninterrupted self, that only exists in a world where Eve didn’t eat the apple.

Nonetheless, I thought that by the time I was twenty, I won’t be so nervous, and so quiet, and so worried of what people think. I never considered the fact that I would still be the same person I was, and that my self-issues wouldn’t go away overnight.

While it is true that I have changed over the years, some things for the worse, and some for the better, I am still the same person. I used to think when I was younger “I hope I don’t become one of those partying kids”, and things like that. But I guess I never realized that I still would be the same person.

So where does that leave me? Well, I didn’t become one of those partying kids. However, I still haven’t grown into my confidence. I still don’t know what I want to do with anything in my life. Frankly, I don’t even like the idea of a “traditional” life. The pros and cons of going to college constantly weigh in my head. Besides realizing that being able to go to community college isn’t a given, I’m not even sure it’s what I want to do. In this day and age, I’m not fond of marriage, but hey, I haven’t even fallen in love yet. I still don’t plan on having kids, but my mind is licensed to change. I live with my parents, and wouldn’t have the money to move out anyway. If I didn’t currently have a job on hold, it would be a reck for me to try to find another.

What I know right now is that I want to be a writer. I want to do so many things, and be so many things, but above all, I want to be a writer. And that is all I have ever truly wanted to be.

The life ideal that is practically stamped on our foreheads is just ridiculous. Because two summers ago, when I realized I didn’t know what to do about college, and a job, and my “life”, I sunk to the lowest I’ve ever been. My mind was so wrapped up in the fact that “I failed”, that I could not focus on living. The time had come for me to start my life, but I had no idea how to start it. Truthfully, I still don’t know how. The difference is that just a year ago, I had let that get to me. I had based how I saw myself and who I was around the fact that I was still confused. I hated that I was so unprepared, and I wasted my time with the feeling of being a failure at life.

Twenty years. Yet I feel so much older. Everything in the past seems like it happened in another life. I’m not proud of how I used to be, but I won’t deny it. If I hadn’t gotten so low, I might not have come up to where I am now. Every thing I’ve been through, each day, each year, has only helped me learn about what truly matters and that it is okay that I haven’t figured my life out yet. There’s nothing to “figure out” anyway.

I’ve come so far in the last year that there is no way the number twenty can describe me. It’s been less than a year really, since I’ve grown. This time last year I was hardly able to open my eyes, only to have them glued back shut in the spring. However, my fall and winter were polar opposites from last year. For once I feel like I have learned how to keep my eyes open, and that even if they do close for a little while, that is okay.

I still feel like a kid at heart, but I think most people probably do. When we were kids, we had no worries, no self-consciences. We were our most pure selves when we were kids.  And I think we probably spend our adult lives trying to get back to that. Some of us spend more time than others. Most of us have to get there the hard way. But I assure you it’s worth returning to, and it’s a lot easier than we make it.

I am lucky that I have already started opening my eyes at such a young age. It hopefully saves me the whole midlife crisis deal. Plus, I have become much smarter and wiser, just in the past few months. With everything that happens in my life, I can only grow wiser.

It is true that I still am the same person I was ten years ago, and five years ago. Yet in each moment, I am growing. In each moment, I have the ability to be my true self. I will be stronger and wiser than I was yesterday, and each day that passes hitherto.

Twenty years. I am thankful for all the shit I had to go through, and all the pain I put myself through. I am thankful that I was smart enough not to let those things kill me. I am thankful for moving three times, and realizing that home isn’t any place. I am thankful for this past year of indecision, depression, and awakening. And of course, as cheesy as it sounds, I am thankful for having been alive these past twenty years.

Thank you, God.