So I have come to the decision to go back to Blogger. I’m just not feeling this blog layout and stuff so much, and instead of deleting it, I will move back to blogger. Also, for now, this blog will exist because I don’t want to lose the content. However, if you are actually interested in me and my life and all that, you can check out my new (old) blog at blogger. Also, you can follow me on bloglovin! I hope everyone here understands, but I personally want to be happy about my blog and blogging, and I much rather prefer blogger! Thanks!



I guess you could call it “an attempt to live off the land”.

Recently I’ve been watching Doomsday Preppers on Nat Geo. Considering it’s mostly about paranoid people who live in fear for the end of the world, it is really good. PS, not all of the people on it are as paranoid (or not at all) as others. It has inspired my brother to make a bug-out-bag or survival bag, which he is going to use in case of any survival situation (not just for when the “shiz hits the fan”). He is also going to camp out in the woods with his friend as a survival drill thing. I also want to make a survival bag, and I really want to go tent camping in the spring/summer and see how I do without any of today’s modern things. Also, I want to start reading Walden because I know that will motivate me even more. Often times I seriously think about moving out to the woods, or living in a car/van/camper and traveling. Although I really do want to do those things some day, I don’t know if I could do it permanently. Too many of my hobbies involve material things, like crafting, and collecting, and dolls. (I don’t think I could make a doll room in a camper XD) Anyway, those are just future plans/ dreams.

Currently, I am thinking about growing my own food. The fact that you can do that is amazing, and I would feel so good about eating healthy, and saving money, and maybe even making money, depending on how much food I grow. It sucks that we are renting so we can’t have a garden in the ground, but we have a deck and a porch where I can keep plenty of pots. Right now I am attempting to grow an avocado tree using the pit/seed from an avocado. It takes a while, but I really hope it works, even if it doesn’t produce fruit. Also, last night my sister and I picked wild onion grass from our front yard, which we are going to cook into tonight’s dinner.

I am really excited to get started. I am so low on money that it is ridiculous. I really need to start working so I can make money. However, I think I will be able to manage buying a few plants and pots and stuff. So yeah, that’s what I’ve been thinking about. I also am going to try to clean my house and room more, and I want to start writing my book more. It’s strange how I actually have been thinking about the story, and I want to write it, but I just run out of time in the day. Also, not that this has to do with anything, but last night’s Walking Dead really got me thinking.

Bigger Than Me

Just yesterday and today, I have been thinking about many things, all of which are about As You Are. Currently, As You Are is a zine, which, I just realized, I never wrote about on this blog yet (whoops)! Anyway, it is about life, spirituality, and is my attempt to transfer what I have learned, to others in an inspirational way. While the zine is, in part, about me and my life, it is more focused on how my life is similar to everyone else’s. Mainly, I want to share what I know, in the hopes of helping people live a better life. Although just a single person makes it, I want it to be something more than me. Even if I take submissions in future issues, I want it to be bigger than just a zine. I’ve been considering making a blog/website for it, as well as a podcast.

I have to say, the idea of having a website dedicated to AYA is very intimidating. Beside having to keep it updated and whatnot, I feel like once it is a website, I will have to expand the message. And I want to, of course. However, it is a big responsibility to lead a…movement? I am still very new to all the things I want to write about and share with people, but that doesn’t make me want to not share it. I don’t really care about the popularity  (or non-popularity) aspect of it. I don’t even so much care about making a name for AYA. I just want to spread the message of it. I want to change people’s lives. I want to help people.

The podcast thing sounds like a good idea as well. As opposed to a zine, a podcast can reach so many more people. It would be free, and it would be for everyone, not just zine people. However, the idea of having a podcast is also very daunting. It feels more real, because it would be my actual voice and thoughts and writing, directly out into the world. Then there’s the work part to it. Is my built-in mic good enough? Or should I invest in a real mic? How important is this to get done and put time and money into? It’s not even a matter of, will people read it? For me, it’s more of, am I saying what I’m trying to say in a way people will understand and agree with?

Maybe having a podcast is a long shot. I’m not very internet famous, so who’s to say it would even reach anyone. And who’s to say I am worthy of preaching such things. I just have a good feeling about all of this. As You Are is something more than just me. It’s bigger than what I have to say, or how I say it. It’s bigger than any words or art or notions. It’s a spark to start the fire in people’s lives. It’s a seed to grow a new way of living. It’s bigger than any zine, podcast or website. It’s an attempt to help people reach their true selves. It’s peace.

TV Shows I Don’t Watch on TV

Sorry, I’m so lame. I posted this on my tumblr as well, but this blog hasn’t gotten much action. I don’t watch much tv, except like history/discovery/nat geo stuff like that. Mostly shows that involve antiques, and strange people- people with addictions, in the er, and FBI shows. My current favorite is I [Almost] Got Away With It. Anyway, having Netflix, I would like to watch some entire show series, in order, from start to finish.

I decided to start watching entire series of shows on Netflix since the only show I actually remember to watch every week is The Walking Dead, and because it would be cool to watch old shows that people obsess about. So I’m making a list of shows, and I’m gonna start watching them!

  • Lost (I started this one today!)
  • Skins (UK, duh) (I already started this one. I’m on season two, but I kind of have to be in the mood to watch it.)
  • Battlestar Galactica
  • Breaking Bad
  • The Office
  • Star Trek (all of them- assuming I like it)
  • The Twilight Zone (started this one a while back.)
  • Doctor Who
  • Sons of Anarchy
  • Parks and Recreation (don’t even know what it’s about)
  • 30 Rock (nor this one)
  • United States of Tara (started it)

That’s all I got so far, and I don’t even know if and when I’ll actually watch them. Let me know if any of them are crap. Any other one’s I missed or that you recommend!?!?

Maybe I’ll post more later about my progress with some of these shows. Right now I think I’m going to dive into Lost, but I might start some others. Some I feel are more involved and drama-filled than others. Maybe I’ll watch some of the lighter ones in between the bigger ones (if that makes any sense). 😛

Super Awesome Sunday!

Yay! I’ve been waiting for this day for two weeks. haha. Half because I actually like football (GO GIANTS!), and half for my mom’s nachos. No lie.

But anyway, I am really excited about my zine, and I think I finally have everything for it. I really want to put the majority of it together today! I love zines so much. I’m thinking about if I should do zine reviews…I don’t know. I just really want to make crafts to sell, and work on my zine! I also need to get back to my novel that I haven’t worked on since November. 😦 I’m very neglectful.

Anyway, what type of crafts/things would you be interested in buying that I could make? I’m just wondering. Any ideas would be nice. Thanks, and enjoy the Super Bowl!



Crafts for Sale!

Yay! So I finally updated my etsy shop! I have been on a friendship bracelet kick, and made a bunch, so I have those on there. I also made a kick-arse, one of a kind Hunger Games pin. And of course, there are a few doll sized items. I will also have some zines up when I get to making my new zine! I’m so pumped; I’m probably gonna start putting it together after I write this! So here are some pictures of some of my items. Please go check it out, and be on the look out for new stuff!

Also, if you have any requests of something similar that is in my shop now, or that has sold, or that you just think I could make, please feel free to send me a message on Etsy!


Zines and Magazines

Lately I’ve had so much creativity building up inside me, but I can’t figure out how to get it out. On Sunday I repainted a Liv doll, which I will make a separate post about once I take some pictures of her. I painted a doll skirt today, and have been doing little tiny crafts like that.

However, I really have been inspired to make a zine again! I think I went an entire year without making or trading any zines. 😦 I want to make something inspirational, and motivating, and that will inspire people to be themselves. The only problem is that I don’t know where to start or what to put in it. I’ve tried writing something, but it’s not any good. I want to include some poems, but mostly I want to fill it with inspirational writing. I’m just so stuck! Also, I don’t even know if there is ink in my scanner! Anyway, yeah, I am going to make a zine, that I will post on my etsy when it’s done. I also want to put some of the friendship bracelets I’ve made on etsy. I need to make some money, and I would really love to be able to sell what I make.

I have also been thinking about making an online doll magazine. My cousin and I are planning to do an online magazine, but meanwhile, I think it would be fun to make one about American Girl Dolls (and possibly other dolls). Also, in case you didn’t know, which if you are reading this you probably didn’t, I collect various types of dolls, the major one being American Girl Dolls. I also have a youtube channel dedicated to them. So I really want to get submissions for that, and start putting it together.

Also, I can’t decide if I should rename my etsy shop. Right now it is called Kawaii Cupcakes, which I like. However, it isn’t very kawaii, nor cupcake..y. I don’t know what I should rename it if I do. Let me know what you think about the name.

Mostly, I just want to be able to focus a bit more and spend less time on the internet. Sorry that this post is all over the place, I just wanted to get out how I am feeling and what I’ve been up to.

To Feel True Joy

I got up this morning. Tuesday. The morning after the Martin Luther King Jr. three day weekend. It’s the day back to school, and back to work. And for me, another day of waiting for my job and sitting at home with my dogs and cat. It was a two-hour delay according to the school district, so everyone got out two hours later, which is about the time I get up.

I came down stairs, and walked my dogs because nobody else will. Since it snowed last night, for the first official time this winter season, my one dog, Charlie, started eating the snow when we were outside. All three of them were not used to the white terrain, and they were annoying and adorable as always.

I came inside and went to the kitchen, got myself some food, and looked out the window. Then suddenly it hit me- a pure and impenetrable joy, from deep inside myself. It needed no reason for being there other than just to be there. It was one of the truest forms of happiness that I have experienced in a while. I’m sure there have been plenty of other times throughout my life, but now I recognized it and was able to understand it better, which compelled me to write about it. Thinking about all the projects I want to do, whether or not I do them, and of the food I was about to eat, I became filled with this joy, contentment, and peace. Something more than just happiness. I was excited for the possibility of what was to come. It was a joy that had no reason for being there, other than to celebrate the fact that I was alive, and that I have to ability to do whatever I want with my day.

So now I sit here eating homemade nachos and leftover birthday cake, and having to shut my dogs up every five minutes. However, despite that, and despite the fact that I don’t know when I’m going back to work, despite every bad thought I can muster in my head, I know what it means to feel true joy. It’s a feeling I can make last, even for just a day, even for just an hour. The only thing I can do, is continue to be grateful for living, and continue to live. If I try hard enough, I keep the good feelings in, and the bad thoughts out.

I hope you all get a chance to experience this and recognize it, or that you already have. I also hope it will be a recurring thing, not just for me, but for everyone.

If you are feeling down today, just remember that you are alive, and that you can change the bad thoughts that go in your head. You can change how you feel about certain situations, and you have to ability to react differently to them. There’s so much power inside you that you don’t even know you have. And you don’t need to seek it, or try to change yourself to find it. It is there simply because you’re alive. That is the only requirement for true joy- being alive.

Have a lovely day.

Twenty Years

Twenty years. That’s how long I’ve been alive. Two decades.

Like any birthday, it doesn’t feel any different from the day before. And anyway, the reality is that I still am the same person, just a day older than yesterday, and a year older than the last.

Somehow, though, it does feel different when I think about it. Twenty is the age of an adult, of someone who has started to develop an idea of what they would like their life to be. Yet I don’t feel like an adult, and I certainly haven’t figured out what I want my life to be. It’s not the responsibilities that I don’t feel up to speed with, but rather the idea of my future.

When I was younger, I used to count down the years until I was out of school. I remember in elementary school saying to myself on the playground “seven more years”, and in high school “only four more years.” A seed is planted very early on in a child’s life about the guidelines of how a person’s life goes. You go to school, go to college, get married, have kids, have a career and die. I don’t ever remember a time when I was younger that I thought of any other way to do it. I used to think about when I turn twenty. I imagined I would probably be in college, and moved out of my parent’s house and have a job and a boyfriend, and all that. I told myself in a non-blatant way, that I would be cooler, and better when I was twenty. I would know what I want to do, and have the guts to do it.

I imagined myself as someone else. Or rather, I imagined the pure soul of myself. I imagined myself with all the confidence I didn’t have at the time. I imagined my true, uninterrupted self, that only exists in a world where Eve didn’t eat the apple.

Nonetheless, I thought that by the time I was twenty, I won’t be so nervous, and so quiet, and so worried of what people think. I never considered the fact that I would still be the same person I was, and that my self-issues wouldn’t go away overnight.

While it is true that I have changed over the years, some things for the worse, and some for the better, I am still the same person. I used to think when I was younger “I hope I don’t become one of those partying kids”, and things like that. But I guess I never realized that I still would be the same person.

So where does that leave me? Well, I didn’t become one of those partying kids. However, I still haven’t grown into my confidence. I still don’t know what I want to do with anything in my life. Frankly, I don’t even like the idea of a “traditional” life. The pros and cons of going to college constantly weigh in my head. Besides realizing that being able to go to community college isn’t a given, I’m not even sure it’s what I want to do. In this day and age, I’m not fond of marriage, but hey, I haven’t even fallen in love yet. I still don’t plan on having kids, but my mind is licensed to change. I live with my parents, and wouldn’t have the money to move out anyway. If I didn’t currently have a job on hold, it would be a reck for me to try to find another.

What I know right now is that I want to be a writer. I want to do so many things, and be so many things, but above all, I want to be a writer. And that is all I have ever truly wanted to be.

The life ideal that is practically stamped on our foreheads is just ridiculous. Because two summers ago, when I realized I didn’t know what to do about college, and a job, and my “life”, I sunk to the lowest I’ve ever been. My mind was so wrapped up in the fact that “I failed”, that I could not focus on living. The time had come for me to start my life, but I had no idea how to start it. Truthfully, I still don’t know how. The difference is that just a year ago, I had let that get to me. I had based how I saw myself and who I was around the fact that I was still confused. I hated that I was so unprepared, and I wasted my time with the feeling of being a failure at life.

Twenty years. Yet I feel so much older. Everything in the past seems like it happened in another life. I’m not proud of how I used to be, but I won’t deny it. If I hadn’t gotten so low, I might not have come up to where I am now. Every thing I’ve been through, each day, each year, has only helped me learn about what truly matters and that it is okay that I haven’t figured my life out yet. There’s nothing to “figure out” anyway.

I’ve come so far in the last year that there is no way the number twenty can describe me. It’s been less than a year really, since I’ve grown. This time last year I was hardly able to open my eyes, only to have them glued back shut in the spring. However, my fall and winter were polar opposites from last year. For once I feel like I have learned how to keep my eyes open, and that even if they do close for a little while, that is okay.

I still feel like a kid at heart, but I think most people probably do. When we were kids, we had no worries, no self-consciences. We were our most pure selves when we were kids.  And I think we probably spend our adult lives trying to get back to that. Some of us spend more time than others. Most of us have to get there the hard way. But I assure you it’s worth returning to, and it’s a lot easier than we make it.

I am lucky that I have already started opening my eyes at such a young age. It hopefully saves me the whole midlife crisis deal. Plus, I have become much smarter and wiser, just in the past few months. With everything that happens in my life, I can only grow wiser.

It is true that I still am the same person I was ten years ago, and five years ago. Yet in each moment, I am growing. In each moment, I have the ability to be my true self. I will be stronger and wiser than I was yesterday, and each day that passes hitherto.

Twenty years. I am thankful for all the shit I had to go through, and all the pain I put myself through. I am thankful that I was smart enough not to let those things kill me. I am thankful for moving three times, and realizing that home isn’t any place. I am thankful for this past year of indecision, depression, and awakening. And of course, as cheesy as it sounds, I am thankful for having been alive these past twenty years.

Thank you, God.


Today I decided it would probably be a good idea to take down the Christmas decorations in my room. So I put away my mini tree, along with all the random Christmas things floating around my room. I probably missed something.

Anyway, while I had my holiday decorations box out, I  noticed some really cool Halloween stuff, well mostly just this bat. I opened the package, put it together and it is now hanging on my wall. Its eyes blink red, and I think it’s just so cool, that I figured, why wait until Halloween. I’m still looking for a more permanent spot to put him, but right now he is hanging over my desk.

I also replaced my multi-colored fairy lights for some pastel ones. I couldn’t get a picture to show their true color, but they are really pretty and muted. I would like to find somewhere else to put them as well, other than over my bookshelf, but I’m sure they will end up staying there for a while. Plus, there’s no other place where they can reach a plug.

Lastly I swapped out my more Christmassy looking flowers for some…non-Christmassy flowers. I don’t really have any for Spring, so these will have to do. Also, I probably should have remembered to take the pine branches out of them…I guess I’ll be finding a bunch of pine needles in my closet.

And now I will grace you with a photo of my adorable cat, Kitty.

I know this was not much of a post, but I just wanted to give a little glimpse into my room now that I’m caught up with the seasons/holidays (and to show you my batty!) Have a lovely night, or day, whichever it is when you read this. I am also trying to write non-depressing poems, so bare with me.